So you stole my heart
I knew this was coming… It was inevitable: our end. I’ve been crying for two days but it’s not the usual hysteria that consumes me whenever J and I broke up. That’s what I love about you… you are such a positive influence in my life. It’s foreign. Sure, we have our drunken arguments. Sure, we do crazy things. But with you I feel the need to keep a level head. I guess, that’s what I would miss most in days, weeks, months to come; the person I am when I’m with you. Before I met you, I was a mess. Wrecked in a vicious cycle with an alcoholic who never cared about me. The more time I spent with you, the brighter it became… the abyss seemed further away, I had slowly but surely, with your help (whether intentional or not), inched closer to the surface. Closer to shore, closer to a reality I deserved. When I was with you, I was constantly smiling, constantly laughing. There were odd moments when I get an out-of-the-body experience and I see myself being affectionate, I see myself absorbed with everything you say. I see the awkward little distant look I get when I calculate and dissect every word you say, every movement you make. I see myself yearning to be closer to you, even when we’re skin on skin. When I’m with you, the foreign little thing called happiness suppressed my dark thoughts. You made me so inexplicably happy. There were days when I would smile to myself when I’m on the train, when I’m walking round the mall. The sun really did shine brighter with you in my world.
I will dearly miss the nights we would stay up till it was bright out, having our silly arguments, talking about everything and anything. I would definitely miss how we always kiss. I sometimes forget where I am when I’m with you. I will miss the way you look at me, you made me feel special. You made me feel silly for craving for perfection. I felt like I was enough. You made me feel complete. I catch myself feeling this way sometimes – when the serotonin subsides and my sense ebbs at my mind – and I think, “How foolish”. But then I’d steal a glance at you, and I think, “This is right” instead.
It’s strange how I’m calm right now. I’m crying, yes, but not in hysterics. I’m crying because I know I’m never finding another like you. You showed me there was light at the tunnel of that end. You made me stronger. I’m crying over that inevitable day when you would conveniently forget about me, and the amazing time we shared. I’m crying over how annoying life works out… here, I have an ideal relationship but just unfortunate timing, unfortunate feelings, it seems. I’m crying because I know I won’t have my wonderwall anymore. I’m crying because now, now, I no longer have you in my life. And that’s just unfortunate. I miss you already, Sam. X